I’ve been depressed for quite some time now, and I would very much like to not be anymore.
I used to be the person who loves life more than anything else, and the one who counseled others on their problems. I’ve had depressing things happen to me. I’ve seen death on many occassions, and I’ve held dead children in my hands, but after Sept. 1st, I’ve done many many things that have led to a depression that I cannot fight my way out of.
On Sept. 1st, my girlfriend who I loved completely, and learned the true meaning of love, lost her father, leaving her bereft of most of her family. Her mother died when she was young, and most of her aunts and uncles passed away as well. Needless to say, it was a very hard time for her, and very hard for me as well, as I was unable to help her. She began to become distanced from the world, and from me as well, which began to break my heart, but I stayed strong for her, and to give her someone to depend on. However, she eventually told me that she no longer felt the same way about me, and wanted to take a break. Now that was devastating to me, but I still clung to the fact that at least I still had my beloved life to hold onto, my family, and a few close friends to confide in.
Well I began to do things that I greatly regret in an attempt to find something to fill the enormous gap in my life I now had. I drank even more excessively than I already did. I smoked weed for the first time ever, and did so twice. I lost all interest and motivation in college, and as such, my previously good grades plummeted. I betrayed family, and betrayed friends, and every time I did such things, my morale and depresion sank deeper, causing me to do even more things I greatly regret. I used people, and betrayed myself. I lost control of my rage, got into fights, and let loose my rage on people who didn’t deserve it. I distanced myself from family and friends, and even let my emotions affect my job in the Fire Department. I hurt many people, and lost sight of my future.
Now I know the loss of the woman I love in my life is the root cause of my depression, but it is not the MAIN cause of it. The actions I did after the fact are. I went from being the person who’s life was devoted to helping everyone else, to the person who hurts everyone else, and that fact I cannot live with.
Through my depression, I even considered giving up the one thing I held above all else: my life. I just would not consider doing it myself. I began to wish that bad things would happen to me, just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with everything else. I began to imagine myself being in car accidents, dying in fires, and having a bad reaction with medicine and alcohol which would cause me to at least lay in a hospital bed and see who cared enough to come visit. I began to not sleep, and I lost my will to live.
I am beyond all that now, yet my extreme loneliness augmented my depression still exists. I also still cannot sleep.
If you have motivated yourself to read through all of that, then maybe you know of a way to help me, or somewhere I can look for help. Any help on my above situation would be greatly appreciated.
so a few more details. after reading many of these answers, I realized that I left many things out.
1. (I might have included this, but I lack the motivation to check.) It is extremely hard for me to relax. My counselor has told me this, and has tried many things to help me relax, all of which have failed.
2. Megan (the girls name) is transferring to my school next semester, which has the potential to be disastrous.
3. Megan is seeing someone else now. She actually started seeing him 2 months after breaking up with me.
4. I don’t trust any medication that messes with my consciousness or mental facilities. It took me a while before I would trust myself taking nyquil. (When I did, I took excessive amounts, along with many other night time drugs, along with tylenol PM, benedryl, and some alcohol to wash it all down in attempt at relaxation) None of these helped me sleep, but they did make me quite unsteady in the morning…