Like I said, I have dealt with depression my whole life. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are moments I have enjoyed. I’m not gloom 24 hours a day. However, the small amount of good, is not worth putting up with the large amount of crappy. So most of the time I withdraw from everyone and disconnect myself mentally from my body to not have to deal. Even as young as 5 I remember thinking “Why do I have to be alive.” Then my mind would go blank and I would feel nothing; suddenly I’d come to and remember that I had to live and get super depressed. Then I’d go blank again and it would repeat for about 10 minutes. I used to call it a temporary amnesia. I thought that everyone felt this way, it wasn’t until I got older that I realized that this was not normal for a 5 y/o in a healthy environment.

As I got older it got so bad that I couldn’t even sleep at night. I used to just stare at the ceiling and hope to disappear. Now I was always well taken care of and well loved, but all that did was make me feel even worse about myself since I knew that there were many people in the world, starving, homeless, oppressed that would have loved to be in my shoes. And all I wanted to do was get it over with.. So, over the years, I just got used to it. I just told myself I have no reason to be depressed; be a man, get over it, and make the best of life. I even had some times where I felt ok. Not great, but not so bad that I couldn’t deal with. I thought that maybe if I got a good job, bought a house and filled it with toys, went on vacations, that I would feel better about myself, thus making me feel better overall. Nothing. In fact the added pressure of being buried in bills just made the depression and anxiety worse. I learned you can’t buy happiness and that I was simply doing what everyone else wanted me to do, not what I wanted to do. I tried to reduce the pressure and anxiety with a less stressful(== less money) job and a simpler existance, but my situation in life had little effect on my mental state. I had no drive to accomplish anything because if nothing gives you pleasure, what’s the reason to do anything? My goal was to simply reduce stress and anxiety as much as possible. I also still thought about death about as often as most men fantasize about sex. (I was too full of guilt about upsetting my family to consider suicide, I just prayed for terminal illness or the like; that way it wouldn’t be my fault)

Then I experimented with self medication. At first, I simply tried different meds, like wellbutrin, prozac, zoloft. Most made no difference or made me feel worse. I saw my g/f at 16 be prescribed paxil and she had a terrible reaction and nearly went insane. She wondered why after they took her off the meds she felt better. Turns out it was only for adults. After that, I lost faith in doctors’ ability to accurately prescribe meds, especially for mental problems which only got worse with time. I didn’t want to show up at a DR. office, say I was depressed and just let him decide my fate by picking whatever drug the drug rep is deciding to push that week.

Drinking helped a little, but I couldn’t really drink during the day and it was doing more harm than good. I couldn’t rationalize a hangover if I didn’t really enjoy being drunk to begin with. I then made my journey to other drugs. Now, I experimented with many drugs, but most were just recreation or I simply don’t like how it makes me feel(i.e. pot). I’m going to discuss just those that I took to improve my well being. I tried ephedra, it gave me the motivation to want to get things done and improved my mental state. It never quite did the trick though, and was pulled from the market too. Next was MDMA. This was my first really positive result. I felt great and could open up like never before. However, I couldn’t take it at work and it was very rough on my body. Definitely not something I could do often.

The next big thing I tried changed me forever. Heroin, here on referred as H. Not to belittle all the previous good moments in my life, but everyday was like Christmas morning. It wasn’t the rush or the high. but how it changed my mental state that I loved. Gone was the anxiety, the sadness, the guilt, the hiding, the back pain. And no more fear; fear of being too scared to wake up, just a total fear of all the ins and outs of having to be alive. And I could take it and function at work. I looked forward to the day. Suddenly, there was pleasure in living. I was no longer overwhelmed by the simplest activity. I finally understood why people enjoy life. If I could have grown a poppy field in my back yard and ate opium all day for free, I would have. However, it doesn’t work like that in the USA. And as much as I loved it, I could not support myself both financially and literally. I submitted to the drug and it took away basic control of myself. I stopped taking it to feel better, I took it to s
Thanks for the advice. When I had my gallstones, I could no t eat fatty foods, so I was forced to eat better. I have noticed a difference when my diet is better. I also lost weight which also helped a little with my back pain Sleep helps too. Please, don’t forget to read the entire message in the link above. I really would like some insight on anyone taking adderall for depression.
Apparently, I got cut off. Please see http://sites.google.com/site/lazylazyjoe/
to see the entire message. Sorry.

Tagged with: adderall. • appreciate • Depression • feedback. • insight • It's • long • Looking • read • some • would

Filed under: Hangover Depression

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