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History: I have struggled with mental illness for the past eight years. Depression has been the primary issue, but at varying times, I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, ED-NOS, Anorexia Nervosa, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. From ’02–’05, I cut myself; from ’08–present, I abused alcohol; in January of this year I took up self-injury again. I have been hospitalized eight times, six of which occurred last year. I have been on and off almost all currently marketed anti-depressants, and I underwent several months of (ultimately unsuccessful) electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Writing novels has been a part of my life since age eleven, and I have noticed a strong correlation between how much I work on writing and how well I am, mentally. Things were going better until very recently, when a traumatic incident shook me. Badly.

Now: I am currently taking Lithium, Celexa, and Remeron for depression and Lamictal for epilepsy. I see a psychiatrist about once a month and a therapist once a week. My therapist is very nice, but for whatever reason, I’m not completely honest with her. I feel disconnected from everything and avoid social interactions because they make me quite uncomfortable. I’m on constant edge, wary of everything. Sometimes at night, when I’m alone, I hear “phantom” music—it’s as if someone were playing loud rock at my neighbor’s house, although I’m virtually positive that isn’t the case. I also see “phantom” objects, or else movement; that is, I have the sense a book I’m reading is wobbling/tilting/sliding, but I can also tell that it isn’t, or I’ll see an invisible cube twisting in the air. (I realize that “invisible” means exactly that—not able to be seen—but it feels like I’m seeing it anyway.) I have constant dull aches in my head and stomach, sometimes my chest, and am always tired—like I have a slight flu that has lingered at ~30% strength since the incident. My self-respect has dissolved into nothing, as has my self-worth. I was once confident enough in my writing to be seeking in-depth criticism and even publication, but now, I can’t stand looking at the things I’ve written, much less writing new things, without feeling like a fraud, an impostor in the literary world. Because of the ECT, I have lost many memories from the near and far past, which makes me feel in some ways like an impostor in the person who is supposedly me. Given the way I’m withdrawing from the people around me, I’m beginning to consider the idea that it might be better for everyone if I just ended it cleanly here. I’ve been up and down so many times that it feels like I’m not meant to be really Okay, you know? And what’s the point in dragging it out if that’s the case? The fact is, some depression just isn’t treatable; I’m no longer a remotely productive member of society or a positive force in the lives of the people I theoretically love.

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I am 38, mother of 4, and 3 step children (all living with me ages 2-17). I have a supportive family, but have been battling depression for almost 20 years if not longer. My dad was an alcoholic vietnam vet so I know I have a touch of secondhand PT SD due to the alcohol and guns. Been to many Dr’s. for treatment all to no avail. 2 hospital stays (one due to cutting in depressed state) and other for vicodin addiction (the only thing that ever kept me from being depressed and feeling happy and energetic). Now on Pristiq, adderal xr, and today dr. wants to add wellbutrin (been on it already). I feel so hopeless to the point I wonder if I am actually going crazy. No dr has given me an exact diagnosis..just more pills. Esp, the week before my cycle, is SO bad. I visualize killing myself, think about what I would write in suicide notes to my kids, etc..I cry and get angry. I would never do that to my babies. It feels like my soul is in a constant state of torment and I want to feel better for myself and children. I feel foggy headed half of the time waiting for the next time ” I don’t feel right”..can anyone relate? I have been to psychiatrists, therapists, Dr’s for the last 10 years. I feel I truly am mentally exhausted and the stress of raising these kids with a husband working his butt off just to pay bills is crazy. Sometimes I feel like such a bad mother, a loser, for thinking such bad thoughts but sometimes I can’t get them out of my head, esp. at night.
Please don’t be mean and leave nasty comments for fun….this is very serious to me. I am in such a bad spot and feel like I can’t get out.

But first, please read this, and then respond…i wanna know what you think!

I smoke pot about everyday and always wonder why marijuana is illegal and why alcohol is legal. You always hear about people who die from drinking and driving, an innocent person died because of a drunk driver, or because of alcohol poisoning. People become aggressive and their thinking becomes impaired.
But how many times have you heard of a person overdosing on marijuana? It‘s impossible to die from smoking too much pot and you can‘t get addicted to it like you can with nicotine and alcohol.-but u can become an alcoholic and potentially die if you drink too much. I know there’s been some deaths from driving high because of delayed reaction, but who would you trust,
1. a raging drunk swerving all over the place, or
2. a stoner driving the exact speed limit, or a bit slower, trying to stay in between the white lines?

The government knows very well that marijuana isn’t as evil as it’s portrayed, they know the benefits it can cause. They know how dangerous alcohol is and how there’s more and more people dying everyday because of a drunk driver.

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im 17 and a guy, for the past couple of months i’ve been very depressed. i’ve been depressed in the past and it lasted a couple months but this time, it feels worse.. and like it will never go away. when i had depression before like a year ago i cut myself quite a bit, but i’ve stopped that now.. i made sure i did because I cudn’t handle anyone noticing the scars. i still think about it alot and i want to do it but i turn to alcohol sometimes instead when im lucky. my mood is very unstable and unpredictable, it changes within hours.. even if im not on a drug/booze. one minute ill be happy and nothings wrong and the next i cant stop planning killing myself, but nothing happend. the only thing that really seems to help me is weed, i dont feel depressed when i have weed or im high, it makes me think of everything from a different prespective unlike alcohol that just makes me too stupid to think about anything at all. i dont have the money to be high all day long like i love to do, soon i will.. but i dont, and not having weed when im so used to it is hard. my parents think im a “retarded drug addict”, if only they knew what i was really thinking all the time and why i had to do what i do. i steal alcohol from them all the time even though i promised not to, i can’t seem to stop even if its listerine. I stole all my moms sleeping pills and benzo pills. i feel really bad about this, and i know i dont deserve to be happy. i dont have to be high to be happy, sometimes i just feel naturally good but it doesn’t last long, it never does… it wont be long until I have opium tea, as well as a unlimited supply of it because I have tons of opium Pods to make it out of. i’ve never done it, but i already feel addicted. 1 cup lasts all day long, and its mostly morhpine so its strong and intoxicating. i really couldn’t care less if i get addicted, or have to go through withdrawl.. i just want to feel great for a couple hours because its better than what im feeling right now. It feels pleasurable to myself to imagine myself dieing, i plan it out almost everyday and that sounds creepy but its true and i can’t help it. I wud take enough opium and alcohol at the same time so i would just pass out and stop breathing, i want it to look like an accident i dont want my parents to know ive been suicidal, even though they’ll notice the scars after i’ve died. the only reason i can think of not to is my brother, i couldn’t imagine how he would take it, im crying right now thinking about it because i told him i think about this and he seemed devasted that his brother cud want to kill himself. he doesn’t know about the opium. i told my best friend but she just kinda puts it past me. I feel like a pussy, sometimes i dont even think ill live to see september. all i can think is, soon i’ll have enough opiates ill be able to be numb and not feel anything at all becasue thats better than my reality. i dont want to go on anti-depressants, more pills is not what i need. i dont know what i can do.. does anyone have any advice or suggestiosn? thank you, sry this is so long.
ps. all my friends are convinced i had adhd, apparently i have all the symptoms. i also have a history of anxiety attacks, and i have a hard time sleeping, i cant shut my brain off to sleep without weed alcohol or a sedative.
actually, as bad as it sounds, i dont have any will to stop drinking or other drugs…
I would love to quit alcohol and every drug EXCEPT weed because thats the only one thats benefited me, but i just can’t seem to stop. i think if i did it might get worse?
im scared of going on anti-depressants because i CANT let my parents know, i know it would make everything so much worse if they knew. is it true that anti-depressants can actually cause suicidal thoughts? i read about certain anti-depressants and they just scared me… opium does not.

A 22 year old caucasian male has been drinking 2 bottles of alcohol every day for the past 2 years. Otherwise, his health is “normal”.

2 days ago, he quits drinking, cold turkey.

He then start developing thoughts of suicide, is this normal?

How much more longer, will the symptoms of withdrawal last?

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