Why is it that when my depression acts up I can’t stop thinking about suicide and weird thoughts?
I am 38, mother of 4, and 3 step children (all living with me ages 2-17). I have a supportive family, but have been battling depression for almost 20 years if not longer. My dad was an alcoholic vietnam vet so I know I have a touch of secondhand PT SD due to the alcohol and guns. Been to many Dr’s. for treatment all to no avail. 2 hospital stays (one due to cutting in depressed state) and other for vicodin addiction (the only thing that ever kept me from being depressed and feeling happy and energetic). Now on Pristiq, adderal xr, and today dr. wants to add wellbutrin (been on it already). I feel so hopeless to the point I wonder if I am actually going crazy. No dr has given me an exact diagnosis..just more pills. Esp, the week before my cycle, is SO bad. I visualize killing myself, think about what I would write in suicide notes to my kids, etc..I cry and get angry. I would never do that to my babies. It feels like my soul is in a constant state of torment and I want to feel better for myself and children. I feel foggy headed half of the time waiting for the next time ” I don’t feel right”..can anyone relate? I have been to psychiatrists, therapists, Dr’s for the last 10 years. I feel I truly am mentally exhausted and the stress of raising these kids with a husband working his butt off just to pay bills is crazy. Sometimes I feel like such a bad mother, a loser, for thinking such bad thoughts but sometimes I can’t get them out of my head, esp. at night.
Please don’t be mean and leave nasty comments for fun….this is very serious to me. I am in such a bad spot and feel like I can’t get out.
Tagged with: About • acts • can't • Depression • Stop • Suicide • Thinking • thoughts • weird
Filed under: Alcohol Depression Treatment
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It sounds like intrusive thoughts you dont want them but there there you want to live but these thoughts are really annoying you and tormenting I have them with my anxitey the best thing to help you with them is anti depressents theydo me!and now i realise all them thoughts are stupid!
I can completely understand why you have been so depressed these past years. There is so much stress upon you to take care of children, not to mention the way your father was during your childhood and adolescence. I know what it is like to be very depressed, though I have not lived as long as you or have a family to care for. There is nothing remotely funny about feeling this way, and I understand that. It seems like your doctors are not even taking time to talk to you about why you are so sad and can’t get over the pain. I think that you should find a counselor to talk to about the problems you had with your father along with any other things that have been troubling you. A counselor can do wonders and take some of the edge off. You’ll have a professional to talk to as often as you need. Also, I think that you need to find a new doctor, as it seems that they are only medicating, not getting down to the reason why you feel the way you do. I think you should look up some psychiatrists in your area and find the one that is the most praised. By seeing a counselor and psychiatrist, you can get a diagnosis, medication and a little extra support. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my counselor gave my psychiatrist information she had gathered from our sessions, making it easier for the psychiatrist to diagnose me. If you are properly diagnosed you can finally get on some medication that is right for you. I think that you have been taking the wrong types of medication as they don’t help you at all. There is bound to be one that will help you. I think that maybe you should share your feelings with your husband as well so he knows how depressed you are. By talking with him, he can add some more emotional support and when you’re feeling super low you can confide in him and hopefully he can help some. Whenever you think that you are going to attempt suicide, contact your husband and have him take you to the hospital so you don’t hurt yourself. That is the last thing I want to happen to you. You have a long life ahead of you and I know you love your family with all of your heart. When you are feeling down and don’t have anyone to talk to, I think laying down on your bed and playing some slow calming music can help a little. When laying on your bed, focus on the music and think about why you feel the way you do. A little positive self talk at this time can help you at least get through the day. For example repeatedly tell yourself that everything will get better, even if it’s not today. If you need anyone else to talk to, please contact me. I’m more than happy to listen to you, and I hope I helped at least a little.
If it is worse during certain times of your menstrual cycle then it could be a form of depression linked to hormones called PMDD http://www.virtualmedicalcentre.com/diseases.asp?did=713 – perhaps that needs looking into.
Try biofeedback to calm yourself down. Once you are calm you can sort out the problems that are making you depressed. Pills aren’t always the answer, but are only temporary bandages over the problem that won’t go away on it’s own.
TheTruth. The doctors are in it for the money and in cahoots with the pharmacy. They keep you coming back for more because it means more money. They would lose income if they had a cure for you. It all boils down to the love of money for them. Look at it this way. Depression is just another name of a demon. It has no power over you unless you let it. Jesus already destroyed the works of the devil. Whenever you claim that you are depressed, by the words of your mouth, that demon called depression enters in. Now that it is in, the spirit effects the physical and starts bringing you down. You see, the demons have all kinds of names. Fear is one. Worry is one. Jealousy is another, and headache is another. They all have names. They don’t have bodies, because they were cast out of heaven with lucifer, but they are looking for one that they can obbcess, opress or possess. They can’t just enter into your body unless they are invited in. Now, speak outloud to depression and call it by it’s name (it hears you) and tell it to get out of your soul and body in the name of Jesus, Now! and Believe what you say and it will depart from you (within the hour). Philippians 2: 9 – 11 in your Bible. Remember the scripture in the Book of James, Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4: 7. Resist the devil with the Word.
Dawn,
Who wouldn’t feel stressed and depressed in your situation? I admire you for accepting such a huge job. Obviously you are a special person, and very loving. Look at the job you accepted! And a big one it is.
Meds can make you fuzzy-headed, adding to your challenge. So, even while you’re struggling to make 9 breakfasts, you’re walking through molassas with every move. And you fight on. Diapers, sports practice, homework in the backpacks, packing lunches. Breakfast zooms to bedtime while you’re still trying to find a moment of sunshine to bask in!
It’s hard to see the rainbow when clouds are covering the sky. And you so need to see the sky. Some depression is situational, what my medical doctor calls “life stuff”. Some is from brain chemicals -the annoying tiny little amounts of this and that that run from nerve to nerve sometimes kicking the nerve’s tires, and sometimes soothing it back to sleep. If only it would do what we want it to do!
My personal recommendations come from my own experience, not from education. Keep talking to counselors. If one isn’t good for you, go on to the next one. If you don’t like the counselor, or feel like you can relate to him or her, you won’t do the work you need to do to find that spot in the sun for your cat nap.
Keep a gratitude journal. Oprah started it, and millions have discovered it’s power. At the end of each day you open your journal, write 5 things, no matter how small, that you are grateful for. Review it every so often.
When you are angry or depressed, find something else to focus on. Your children are an excellent thing to think about. You can pick up a book to read to the little ones, or do some art with any of them. Do something wonderful for your husband. These may seem unnaturally selfless, but doing something good for others pays you back with good brain chemicals.
Just when you are feeling so frazzled by endless work, take a walk. Sounds like the last thing you’d need at that moment, but it works. See if you can find another mom who’d like a break on occasion to exchange with. You watch her kids while she takes a quiet, healthy walk. Then she watches yours while you take a quiet, healthy walk.
These stratedgies really do help you feel better. Some take longer than others to get results, but you will get results. Keep your success in mind. When you are feeling morose, tell yourself to stop that, then deliberately think of something positive. It takes practice, but you’ll get better with it over time.
If you need someone to talk to when you are feeling down, drop me a line through my profile here at Yahoo! Answers.